I’m pretty sure there is no reason I would ever vote for Mike Pence.
He’s not quite part of the Ted Bundy/Dennis Rader wing of the Republican Party (both were Republicans, look it up), but he was Donald Trump’s sidekick for much too long not to have been permanently damaged.
The Hoosier politico started out in talk radio, and the ads for his show called him — among other things — “Rush Limbaugh on decaf.”
He was governor of Indiana and pretty well known for being of the fundie side of so-called moral issues, particularly dealing with gay rights. He was not Donald Trump’s first choice for the second spot on the ticket, but Trump was told he would have a hard time getting votes from the Religious Right with Chris Christie on the ticket.
Maybe it was the cameltoe.
Seriously, though. In the summer of 2016, the only reason many in the Religious Right had for supporting Trump was that he wasn’t Hillary Clinton. Putting on of their own on the ticket with Trump pretty such insured that they would stay in line.
And there were few things that helped more than Pence being able to lie with a straight face and say he believed Trump was a good Christian.
Aside from that, though, the vice president wasn’t much more than an elf on the shelf in most meetings.
Of course, his elfin qualities aren’t the funniest thing about the former vice president we’ll remember most. Two minutes of his vice presidential debate when a fly landed on Pence’s head — and stayed there — take the gold medal.
Pence nearly redeemed himself when he told Trump he would not try to block certification of the election results, although all he really said was that he didn’t have the constitutional power to do it.
Then on January 6th, Trump sent a mob after him and Pence was running for his life.
“HANG MIKE PENCE! HANG MIKE PENCE!”
He did have one brief shining moment approaching heroism when he reconvened the Senate after Trump’s insurrection had been thwarted.
“To those who wreaked havoc in our Capitol today, you did not win. Violence never wins. Freedom wins. “And as we reconvene in this chamber, the world will again witness the resilience and strength of our democracy, for even in the wake of unprecedented violence and vandalism at this Capitol, the elected representatives of the people of the United States have assembled again on the very same day to support and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
Sound good? Yes it does, but now that Pence has turned his attention to 2024, he is singing from a different hymnal.
Call it Matthew, Mark, Luke and Don.
Speaking last week to New Hampshire Republicans, the former vice president returned to his previous job as Trump’s towel boy.
“President Trump and I have spoken many times since we’ve left office, and I don’t know if we’ll ever see eye to eye on that day, but I will always be proud of what we accomplished for the American people over the last four years.”
For most of his four years as the veep, I gave Pence the nickname “Tup” Pence, referring to the old English coin tuppence, and said how badly he wanted a promotion to “Six” Pence.
Mike, bubbie, I have bad news for you.
Not only will you never be “Six Pence,” but your continued sucking up to Trump, you’re being demoted to half pence, or “Ha’ Pence.”
Next stop, Confederate money.