Editor’s note: Another one of the pieces lost in the reset.
Back in my early days on Facebook, when things were more wide-open, occasionally things would get a little goofy. I never played Farmville, but I was really into Mafia Wars.
Back in the day …
I joined Facebook in late 2008, the first year of my “retirement,” and the first thing I noticed was that I could be in contact with friends and former colleagues I hadn’t seen for 25 years or more.
I also made some new friends, some of them people I had never met before and haven’t met since. Occasionally something would happen that broke my heart. I had one fraternity brother who had been there after I was. We actually met at a fraternity golf tournament in 2017.
Then, about a year ago, he died.
He was only in his mid 50s, but he had several complicating conditions and one day he just died.
Of all my friends from back home in Virginia, there is only one who I’m not in contact with. That’s how pervasive Facebook is.
It’s how I keep up with my grandchildren, although my daughter’s weekly letters with photos does the trick even better.
Occasionally, though, there are just things that are sort of goofy fun. Twelve years ago, I saw a post from someone that said there were 20 things no one would ever say about them.
Here’s the list I wrote, with a few comments. Twenty random things I have never heard anyone say about me, nor will they ever.
1. There’s never been a woman who could resist his charms.
Not a woman, but many women.
2. He’s got a hair-trigger temper, and boy, when he loses it …
Actually, sometimes I feel like the term passive-aggressive was coined for me.
3. Damn, he sings well enough that he could have been a star.
Only if it were a burned-out star that exploded a million years ago.
4. Michael Bolton and Kenny G never had a bigger fan.
Not a chance. I feel like comedian Dave Attell said when he said that after listening to them, he got his period.
5. If there’s a harder-working guy anywhere, I’d love to meet him.
If lazy to workaholic is zero to 180, I’d probably be around 80 or 85.
6. When they say “white men can’t jump,” they didn’t mean him.
I used to be a really good shooter out around the key, but I don’t think my vertical leap was more than 2-3 inches at my best.
7. He taught Spielberg everything he knows about directing.
Never met the man.
8. He shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
The only truth here is that I lived in Reno for two years.
9. The day he quit medical school was a sad day for the medical profession.
Well, they weren’t going to let me be a gynecologist.
10. He could have been president, except for that woman in Singapore.
The only thing I was ever president of was my college fraternity.
11. Guy’s got no sense of humor at all.
Some folks say I have a sick sense of humor, but my sense of humor is quite active.
12. I’d like to buy him for what he thinks he’s worth and sell him for what he’s worth.
No, I am not that modest.
13. You heard he turned down the Al Pacino role in “The Godfather.”
Even if I had the acting chops for it, I was probably 10 years too young.
14. He never said he invented the Internet, just that he gave Al Gore a few suggestions.
I wonder if anyone ever took as much crap as Gore for something he didn’t really say.
15. Of course he broke Sharon Stone’s heart. She should have known a guy like that would never be satisfied with just one woman.
At least my feverish fantasies are about women of an appropriate age.
16. He’s a crummy father. He hasn’t talked to his kids in years.
The least true of the 20. I love my kids.
17. He gives Chuck Norris lessons in macho.
No, but I did stand right next to him once in the Los Angeles Kings’ locker room. He’s even smaller than you think.
18. If he hadn’t quit playing baseball, he’d have gone straight to the majors.
Only in my dreams more feverish than those of Ms. Stone.
19. The last time he got into a fight, the other guy was in the hospital for three months.
The last time I got into a fight, Nixon was in the White House.
20. He’s the best looking guy I’ve ever seen.
Only true if the guy saying it was blind.