The National Lampoon magazine may no longer exist, which is something of a tragedy. There were so many wonderful things about it, from “Mrs. Agnew’s Diary” to Vinny Shinblind, the invisible sex maniac.
There were stories that became movies and magazine parodies that were unsurpassed.
But it was the Letters to the Editor section that drew my attention with every new issue.
None of them were real. They had Walter Matthau saying his young costar from the famous Little League movie was “bad news bare,” and little Drew Barrymore saying “E.T.” director Stephen Spielberg was “a lousy lay.”
And those were just the medium outrageous ones.
At any rate, with the Lampoon gone, the karma that created the letters has moved south to Georgia, and occasionally print the letters we “get.”
The latest batch:
To the Editor:
I’m an old man now, and it’s hard to believe I was once Jonny Quest. But I was very disappointed not to be mentioned in your piece about great sports movies. After “Animal House” and long before “West Wing,” I was the star of one of the greatest bowling movies ever.
What? You never heard of “Dreamer?”
I played a young bowler who wanted to make it on the pro tour in 1979.
It was great. Just ask Jack Warden.
What, he’s dead?
TIM MATHESON, aka OTTER
Fraternity Heaven, AZ
***
To the Editor:
I am sick and tired of idiots like you making fun of me.
I’m more important than you will ever be, and more people love me than have even heard of you.
It’s morons like you who are killing America, and don’t think you’re insulting me by calling me Klan Mom. You and Jimmy Kimmel are just dogshit to be wiped off my shoes.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
Swastika Falls, GA
***
To the Editor:
Between the cross dressing and carrying loaded guns through airports, you probably think there is something weird about me.
Actually, I have been working very hard to overcome the fact that my mother — no, not Klan Mom — wanted a daughter and gave me a girl’s name. I plan to be the first president who can do wheelies in the Oval Office, and I’ll make Bill Clinton look like a monk when you see how much stuff I get.
Do you think the fishnets make my legs look fat?
REP. M. CAWTHORN
Imaboy, NC
***
To the Editor:
I want to thank you for finally bringing me to life in an actual published book. Beth and the children are wondering who will play me in the movie.
There is going to be a movie, isn’t there?
I was thinking Jimmy Stewart, but someone told me he got old and died. Time is weird here in Fictionland.
Tom Hanks would be a good second choice.
ROBERT A. MILLER Jr.
Harrisburg, PA
***
To the Editor:
Anyone who doesn’t believe Donald Trump will be the Republican nominee in 2024 isn’t thinking clearly.
Yes, he’ll be 78 years old and halfway down the road to senility — if he’s even alive at all.
But start thinking, Poindexter. The old dude isn’t the only Trump, and if my boy Junior can step in and get the job done, I can be First Lady.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE
Dontown, FL
***
To the Editor:
So people are frightened that Vladimir Putin will use nuclear weapons.
You do understand that this is all Hunter Biden’s fault, whether it really is or not.
I’m going to be king, er, emperor, er, president someday soon.
And Madison Cawthorn will be my First Lady.
What? That’s a guy?
Well, nobody’s perfect.
TUCKER CARLSON
Tan Testicle, TX