“You know the definition of a virgin down South? It’s a girl who can run faster than her brother.”
— IAN FLEMING, “Goldfinger”
Just when Alabama was starting to escape from the 19th century, Republicans started electing some truly horrific senators.
First there was Rapin’ Roy Moore, , who in his thirties was so aggressive pursuing underage girls that he was banned from the mall in the town where he lived. Voters did oust him, replacing him with a pretty good, talented guy named Doug Jones, but once it wasn’t Jones vs. the Cradle Robber, Alabamans realized there was one thing about Jones that was unforgivable.
He was a Democrat.
So they decided they needed someone who epitomized the best of Alabama to take over that Senate seat. Since just about the only good thing about Alabama is college football, the first instinct was to choose someonewho had been an All-America kick returner under Bear Bryant.
Sadly, they learned that Forrest Gump was a fictional character.
So they settled on someone not quite as smart as Forrest — former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville.
Shortly after his election in November 2020, the Tub displayed his pig ignorance when he said the three branches of the federal government were the House, the Senate and the executive. Just this week, his comment on the ridiculous court ruling in Alabama that frozen embryos are children added to his legend.
“I was all for it,” he told an interviewer. “We need to have more kids. We need to have an opportunity to do that. And I thought this was the right thing to do.”
The interviewer tried to explain that the decision would probably have the opposite effect, that the largest facility in Alabama doing in vitro fertilization with frozen embryos had suspended the procedure out of liability concerns,
The Tub’s response was typically inane.
“Well, that’s for another conversation,” Tuberville said. “People need to have that. We need more kids. We need people to have the opportunity to have kids.”
Don’t forget that the Tub is also the guy who showed his support for a strong military by blocking several hundred high-level military promotions for the best part of a year.
If you’re wondering why Alabamans would want such an intellectually deficient individual as a senator, remember this:
For Alabama Republicans, stupidity isn’t a flaw.
It’s a feature.